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This blog post has been sitting in the back of my mind since September. I knew I wanted to share my experience with my friends, family and anyone else who wanted to know, but I needed time. I needed time to reflect, to pray and to understand what happened. I felt it was only fitting that I publish this post as we come upon our due date: April 28th. I don't claim to be a phenomenal writer. I'm just putting my story down...
So, if you'd like to hear about my journey through miscarriage, then continue reading.
Early last August, Tony and I had quite the shocker. We found out I was pregnant again! The news shocked and scared me. My initial reaction was to cry. So, cry I did. This wasn't in our plans. I wasn't ready to be a mom to TWO kids! I still wanted my time alone with Charlie.
After a few hours of crying and praying, I pulled myself together.
Then came the excitement! I started a secret board on Pinterest. I pinned pregnancy announcement ideas, blogs about having a toddler and a baby, and maternity fashion ideas. The same excitement I felt when I found out I was pregnant with Charlie had consumed me.
They say you should wait to tell people you're pregnant until your 2nd trimester, but there was no way I was holding out on my close friends and family. After a couple of weeks, I slipped the news to a few people. I was going on a girl's weekend to Madison, so I needed my friends to understand why I wasn't drinking or feeling all that well. I also told my parents, and Tony told his. It's so fun to share this kind of news! Everyone gets so excited, and it builds on my already building enthusiasm about
adding a little bundle to our little family.
Life was good. I was starting my 2nd full year of teaching, Charlie was starting daycare at the BEST place ever and I had this little blessing growing inside of me.
The weekend before school started, I went on a girls' weekend in Madison. While on this trip, I started spotting and cramping. I was worried but was reassured repeatedly that this is a normal sign of pregnancy. I continued to worry through the weekend however. This never happened when I was pregnant with Charlie, so it was natural for me to be concerned.
Monday morning at 3am (60 hours since spotting began), when I was having yet another sleepless night from worrying, I called the OB triage line. The nurse on the other end clearly wasn't empathetic to my anxiety. She basically scolded me for worrying. After I hung up, I felt completely stupid.
My first day of school with students was that Tuesday. I tried keeping busy with work, but the feeling that something wasn't right would not leave my mind. I'm blessed with an amazing sister-in law/friend, Mindy, who encouraged me to call again. I called the OB triage again on Wednesday. This time, the nurse was incredibly concerned. She told me that any spotting over 48 hours meant that I needed to be seen immediately. I made an appointment for the following day.
That night, I made arrangements for Charlie to go to Mindy's house while I went to my appointment.
Thursday came. Tony had to work, so I dropped Charlie off at Mindy's and went in to Mayo. I was going to see an OB doctor I had never seen before. When the doctor came in, she was very cold about the entire situation. She did a vaginal ultrasound. I was scanning the screen trying to find that adorable little baby swimming around in there, but I didn't see anything. I figured her trained eye would point it out to me, but after looking at her face for one second, I could tell something wasn't right. She then said flatly, "there's no baby in there. I'll send you for a blood test, but I'm thinking you're no longer pregnant."
I was crushed. My entire body was numb. She got up and left the room, and there I sat. All alone. I somehow found my way downstairs to get the blood test. I don't even remember having the test done. Everything was a blur. I snapped out of it when I made it to my car in the parking ramp. It finally hit me that I was losing or had lost the baby. I sobbed uncontrollably for a good 30 minutes right there in that parking ramp.
The rest of the night was a blur. I picked Charlie up and took him home. Tony was waiting for us. He took Charlie to play as I lay in my daze on the couch. Every so often I'd sob for a while.
My blood test came back with very low levels of the pregnancy hormone. The nurse on the phone told me I would experience heavier bleeding in the next few days, and the baby would pass.
My friends were planning to come to our house for a Thirty-One party and evening out for my birthday that weekend. They were all concerned about me and wondering if they should still come. I figured the only way I could get through this was to keep my mind busy and try to stay positive. I wanted them to come.
As Tony and I began cleaning Friday evening for our company, the horrible pains began. I didn't expect it at all. It was as if I was in labor again. I curled up in a ball as the pains came and went. Tony would come over and give me a cold wash cloth and rub my lower back for a while, and then he'd go back to the cleaning. The bleeding was intense as well. The nurse said this would happen, but it was so much worse than I imagined.
By 2 am, most of the pain had subsided. Tony was still running around the house cleaning and getting food ready for my party. Back when we were engaged, we found out that Tony's love language is Acts of Service. He definitely was showing his love for me through his hard work at getting our house ready for the party. He sent me to bed but continued to clean. I know this was hard for him too. He didn't know what to do to make me feel better.
I woke up exhausted and sad. Charlie's bright little face helped to lift my mood. I figured the worst of the miscarriage had passed. I was still bleeding, but it was tolerable now. Friends and family came to our house for the Thirty-One party, and my mind was on other things. It was strange to sit in a room full of people I'm so close to and only having a handful of them know what was happening to me.
Liv, Jenna and Danielle helped to clear my mind even more by taking a trip to the mall for Sephora and HuHot before we went to a Mason Jenning's concert. I was starting to feel normal.
After the concert however, the bleeding intensified. I started to get a little concerned. We got back to my house, and I woke Tony up. He said to call the nurse line. The nurse wanted me to wait an hour and call back to see how I was doing. Liv sat up with me as I tried to calm myself. After about 10 minutes, Liv thought we should wake Tony up and get me to the hospital. She said I was completely white, and I was very very dizzy.
Tony took me to OB triage. I was so happy because I was assigned to the midwife on call. The midwife who was on call was one we had seen a lot when I was pregnant with Charlie. She was so calm and compassionate with me. She had to do a small procedure, and then the bleeding slowed to almost nothing. As she sat with me, she calmly explained what was going to continue to happen to by body over the next week or so. Before she left, she gave me a small baby blanket with an angel embroidered on it.
Tony and I got home around 6am Sunday morning. We were scheduled to sing/play for worship that morning. It was my birthday and the first day of our new worship service, Gate of Life. I felt like a zombie, but I knew I needed to go to worship. My cup was running dry and needed to be filled again.
The chapel was packed, and my family was all there. I didn't know if I could go through with singing, but God made it possible. The service went off without a hitch! While we were singing Hillsong's "Anchor" I was overcome with Christ's love. I was going to be okay. We were going to get through this.
After that weekend, I needed to get back to my life. I went to work right away and tried to get past the situation with as few people knowing as possible. It seemed to me that miscarriages are not often talked about, so I shouldn't talk about mine. It was over with, and I needed to move on.
Moving on was easier said than done. I found several blogs from other woman who had gone through situations similar to me. Their stories helped me immensely. They helped me to realize that talking about my miscarriage was okay. It was healing. It was then that I decided to write about my experience.
So, here I am.
The calendar on our fridge has a heart drawn on April 28th. This was supposed to be one of the happiest weeks of our lives, but instead it is full of sadness for me. I have come to peace with losing our baby, but that doesn't mean I can't be sad this week.
I know God has a plan for our little family, and we hope that another little baby is in those plans at some point. But for now, I'm thanking and praising God for the beautiful and lively little two year old we are blessed with.
If you'd like to listen to the song that brought me through losing our baby, here it is. It still brings tears to my eyes!
